Which side are you on in the Battle of the Beard?

Mustaches, clean shave, beard styles and facial hair

Facial hair raises strong emotions. What’s on your chin – and what isn’t – defines who you are and what you stand for. Sprout a few wisps of hair under your nose and you become a member of the Mustache Corps. Leave the stubble beneath your mouth to roam free, create your own beard style and you’re suddenly an official Beardie. Go through life clean-shaven and you develop a curious mistrust of anyone hairier than you.



In the same way that football fans passionately love their own team and detest the opposition, you need to take sides. Are you prepared to make a statement with your upper lip? Prove it by brushing your teeth regularly and baring them at anyone who dares to question what you’re growing on your upper jaw. Being a Mustachio involves looking down your nose at lesser tribes, and you can admire your mustache every time you do so.


Or are you a Beardie? Advantages include feeling really manly (girls can’t grow beards, ha, ha!) and courageous (beards are bold). With so many beard styles to choose from, your beard style can also creatively express your inner you. Yet another reason to feel superior.


Maybe you’re a Cleanie, or Cleanio if you’re feeling Italian. This tribe was for years the biggest, but in recent years lots of its members have defected to join the Beardies and Mustachios. To test the loyalty of a Cleanie/o, just suggest they’re pre-Beardies or pre-Mustachios and see how they react.


Put Beardies, Mustachios and Cleanie/os together in an enclosed space (such as a train carriage) and anyone can feel the tension in the air. It’s only a matter of time before they clash – for example when trying to occupy the only available seat. As in any battle, it pays to choose your weapons carefully. All three tribes have access to modern arms such as the beard trimmer and the electric shaver, and specialist equipment such as precision attachments which are now part of the modern man’s standard toolkit. After all, when engaged in mortal combat, you may as well look your best.



Let the battle of the beard commence…



Who’s fighting?

Confirmed beardies face off against beard virgins, who so far are Justin Bieber and anyone else who’s still waiting for testosterone to attack. Those with inner turmoil (constantly switching allegiance) are everywhere. It’s called democratic choice.


Hot or not?

Facial hair (or the lack of it) is a hot issue. Don’t expect anyone to agree who’s coolest.


Top tip

Want to be on the winning side? Always keep your armoury (also known as ‘bathroom’ ) fully stocked with the necessary weapons (beard trimmers, hair clippers and electric shavers) charged and ready to strike.



Becoming a Beardie takes anything from a few days to weeks or years, depending on which beard style you choose and how fast your follicles are. Buzz…buzz….defuzz! Now you’re an instant Cleanio.


Did you know?

Father Christmas always had a beard, even when he was a little boy. That’s a fact. But he’s loved by Beardies and Cleanios alike. Aaah.



The amount of chin-stroking is directly proportional to the amount of hair below the cheekbones. Cleanios compensate by scratching their noses instead. Sad, but true.